Frozen Aroma
Comment on my Poem Bang?
I’m content with my content
I’m insane beyond belief
I’m close to closing people out of my own world
I can see the doors shutting
The incense of your smell makes me incense
Your aroma is breathtaking
So maybe death is better than living
Because you can’t live without air
Why am I trying to see when there’s nothing in sight
You tore my heart out and now my eyes are full with tears
Why am I trying to give when no one gives me a try
So I hold this pistol to my head
But the trigger is frozen
Why am I fighting to live if I’m just living to fight
The ice on the trigger is melting away
Why am I dying to live if I’m just living to die
BANG
If you take out the line "Because you can’t live without air" and break of the other half of the poem into a new stanza the lines
"Your aroma is breathtaking
So maybe death is better than living"
Would be understood by the observant reader to mean the person would die from their breath being taken away.
You could do the same thing with the lines
"Why am I trying to see when there’s nothing in sight
You tore my heart out and now my eyes are full with tears"
You could eliminate the second line and tweak the first line to imply wetness blocking the vision which would lead the reader to figure out tears were the cause without spelling it out bluntly. That would tighten it up and reduce unnecessary words, which is primary in poetry. Always be concise because poems have to say the most with the least.
Actually you wouldn't have to tweak the first line, just eliminate the tears line
I would also recomend rewording
"The incense of your smell makes me incense"
to:
The incense of your smell incenses me.
I know it doesn't quite give the mirroring you want, but it sounds better and off mirroring can be just as effective as off rhyming if off rhyming sounds better and prevents a poem from sounding "forced" which is undesirable.
You could probably also eliminate the lines
"But the trigger is frozen
and
"The ice on the trigger is melting away
which wouldn't hurt anything and would actually tighten up the other lines making thm better.
Long story short this is how I would rewrite the poem:
I’m content with my content
Insane beyond belief
The incense of your smell incenses me
Your aroma is breathtaking
So maybe death is better than living
I hold this pistol to my head
Why am I trying to see when nothing’s in sight
Why am I trying to give when no one gives me a try
Why am I fighting to live if I’m living to fight
Why am I dying to live if I’m living to die
BANG
It's different, maybe you like it maybe you don't, maybe it needs more work. It's up to you.
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